A Birthday `Massage'

My daughter recently turned 21. A milestone birthday so it was extra special. But she was away at university so I decided to send her a cake. After much deliberation a decadent chocolatey cake with the works was selected. It had to feed some 40-50 of her friends. And the warden, guards and helpers. I selected the delivery date, filled out the address, paid for it with my card and it was done. I shut the laptop with a satisfied smile. 

A few seconds later, an unfamiliar number flashed on my phone. Normally I don’t pick up calls from strange numbers. There are all manner of scams floating around but something told me it might be the cake shop. So I swiped it and said hello hesitantly.
 
“Madam, do you want a massage?” the voice on the other end of the line said.
 
“How dare you!” I bristled with rage. I get my fair share of dating and massage service adverts but a phone call seemed downright audacious. 
 
I couldn’t bang the phone down (it’s a new phone and I can’t risk damaging it) so I disconnected and flung the phone down angrily on my bed.
 
A few seconds later, the same number flashed again. I picked it up intending to scream blue murder.
 
“Madam, the line got disconnected. Do you want a massage on your cake or not?”
 
How on earth did the man know I had ordered a cake? They say someone is always listening but this was taking the conspiracy theory too far.
 
“What do you mean?” I croaked in fear.
 
“You just ordered a cake from our shop Madamji,” the voice offered cheerfully. “Do you want a massage on that?”
 
This wasn’t a dodgy dark web operation at all. Just the man from the cake shop who wanted to know if I wanted a special “message” on the cake. In my hurry to get things done, I had forgotten to write a message for the birthday girl.
 
“I don’t want a massage on the cake, thank you very much, but you can write Happy Birthday Precious,” I said, trying to blot out images of a cake fuelled massage orgy from my head.
 
My daughter got her cake and her message. 
 
And I put my imagination to rest.

Bats in the Belfry!

I have bats in the belfry.

Okay, maybe not my belfry exactly but in the shaft outside my flat. Five little bats hanging upside down for the last year of so. Suspended from a concrete beam. Like ornaments in a Christmas tree.

 

I’ve realized now what the term batshit crazy means. There is a LOT of batshit and that is driving me crazy. We’ve barely recovered from Covid and I’m worried there might be another virus in the air. We’ve tried everything. Bright lights, fogging and frenzied clapping. But the bats refuse to vacate the space.

 

The other day, my neighbour rang the doorbell and politely asked if we could turn down the Qawwali music. “Oh that," my husband grinned. "That’s not Qawwali, it’s the sound of my wife clapping to drive the bats away.”

 

She wasn’t amused. But then neither am I.

 

I know what you are going to say. Why this kolaveri? Bats are good for the environment blah blah blah. In fact in certain cultures bats are supposed to be a symbol of prosperity and good luck. They eat insects, pollinate plants and maintain the balance in our ecosystem. But what about my mental balance?

 

The Covid virus came from a bat, didn’t it? So, as far as I’m concerned, they are bad news. I don’t want them anywhere near my apartment.

 

Of course the Chinese wouldn’t agree. The Chinese look at bats as a symbol of good luck. The Chinese word for bat also means good luck. Folks in China wear bat-shaped amulets and send out cards with bats on them. It’s not just them. Closer home, there are villages in Assam, Bihar and South India where bats are worshipped and considered to be guardian angels.

 

Christianity, however, views bats as malevolent and unclean, associated with demons and evil spirits. Even Shakespeare didn’t seem to be too fond of them. Remember Macbeth and the incantation of the three witches: “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog.” Then there is Caliban’s curse on Prospero in The Tempest: “All the charms of Sycorax, toads, beetles and bats, light on you.”

 

The other day, I saw one of them hanging near my front door. Perhaps it had a tiff with the other bats and needed some space. But I nearly popped a nerve at the sight of the creature. And nothing has been the same since. It’s almost as thought someone has put a curse on me.

 

I’m going batty. Do you have any ideas on how they could be rehomed? Preferably far away from me?

A Sobering Thought

Pic courtesy: Herge

I have a drinking problem. And no, it’s not the sort of problem you are thinking of. 

The other day at a party, the host preened in front of his well-stocked bar and asked what I’d like to drink. When I told him that I’d like a Coca Cola (regular not diet), his eyebrows all but disappeared to the back of his head. To give company to his hairline I suppose. To make it worse, the hostess came charging at me like an angry bull who had been red flagged. “What do you mean, you will have a soft drink? We have plenty of alcohol,” she emphasized on the word soft and threw a pointed glance at the array of bottles lining the bar shelf.
 
At which point I mumbled that I didn’t drink. And prepared myself for the tedious exchange that would inevitably follow. The host with the disappearing eyebrows proceeded to mansplain that it was a good idea to have a drink so that I could enjoy myself. Besides, he made the best cocktails in town. He wagged a drink umbrella threateningly at me to demonstrate his point. The hostess glowered silently making me slightly nervous. You see it was her smoky eye makeup. It made her look less like Kristen Stewart and more like Valak the Nun. 
 
Obviously I stood my ground and weakly demanded my Coca Cola which I received with a generous serving of resentment on the side. The proceedings went rapidly south after that and I had to invent an excuse and leave in a hurry.
 
Over the years, I’ve found myself in pretty awkward situations having to explain why I don’t drink and how my social life is not amiss because I don’t consume alcohol. It’s not that I’ve never touched alcohol. I’ve had drinks now and then from the time I was a teenager but I’ve been sober for years. I find that liquor adds no value to my life. I don’t like the way I feel after I consumed a few drinks. Liquor slows me down. I prefer to be sharp and clear-headed when I am out with friends and I don’t need the fuzziness that intoxicants bring. I’m happy with good food, music and company. But It’s an entirely personal decision and I don’t ever find myself craving a drink ever. 
 
But stuck in a city where everyone and his uncle consumes liquor by the gallon, where there are more liquor stores than schools, I find myself having to defend my decision to stay sober with annoying regularity. All my friends drink and every party I go to, I find myself in a situation where the reactions range from shock to plain and simple disbelief. I feel like an outcast, a deviant. It is downright tiresome. 
 
I’m not asking why you drink, why do you need to know why I don’t? Both are perfectly valid choices aren’t they?
 
Unfortunately these days, being sober is regarded as an oddity. Especially in Gurgaon where the liquor industry is booming, sales are increasing by the minute and if that wasn’t bad enough -- the government now wants companies to allow their employees to drink during office hours. So there’s an off chance that I might be offered a drink at the workspace as well!
 
The situation is so bad that I’m seriously contemplating changing my circle of friends. The best bet for me would be to join an alcoholics anonymous group. That way I will have a group of friends who don’t drink or hold forth on the benefits of consuming liquor. A sobering influence if there was. Can you think of a more perfect arrangement for me?
 
 
 

Mackenna's Booger

Photo courtesy: MAD magazine

I have a problem with the term picking one’s nose. Some people don’t pick, they prospect. Like the man standing beside me in the grocery aisle contemplating cereal boxes. He’s not digging. He’s prospecting – as though MacKenna’s gold is buried deep within his nostrils. First one finger tentatively exploring the terrain and then two fingers aggressively going in for the kill. He’s focused on the job, eyes trained on a spot somewhere between the Fruit Loops and the Quaker Oats, not paying attention to the hustle and bustle around him, the clatter of trolleys, the piped music. Not even a glance at me who, at this point, is staring rather rudely.

Which brings me to the next booger .. sorry … bone of contention. Is there really a well-mannered way to pick one’s nose? Can one deftly insert a finger inside one’s nostril and remove the offending piece of snot before anyone around you has a clue? Or pretend to cough, cover nose and do the job before anyone bats an eyelid.

 

I guess there isn’t. Because the very act of picking one’s nose is not a polite thing to do. A book at the British Library, written more than 500 years ago teaches little children not to pick their nose or ears.

Pyke notte thyne errys nothyr thy nostrellys’

Don’t pick your ears or nose, the ‘Little Children’s Little Book’ says.

This is not fiction. According to science, it is not a good idea to pick your nose either because you might transmit germs into your brain unwittingly and end up with a severe infection or even Alzheimer’s. There is research to support this theory. Not a pleasant thing at all.

There’s even a gadget to discourage nose picking that looks like something Caractacus Potts invented. 

The man next to me hasn’t a clue about any of this though. He’s happily digging and by the look of it, he has enough to set up a souk near the house.

The Bird at the Crossing

The other day I was waiting for the traffic lights to change at Khushboo Chowk when I got the distinct feeling that I was being watched. I looked out of the window at the cars on both sides to see whether there was a familiar face inside one of them. But I couldn’t spot anyone I recognized. 

That’s when I saw it and froze. A gigantic bird on the pavement that had fixed me with a lifeless stare. 

 

Now I’m no bird lover. If you have been reading my blog (and my book), you'd already know that. And this particular one gave me quite a turn. I just wasn’t expecting to see it standing there staring at me with its creepy. metallic eyes. 

 

I found out later that the installation, made out of some 3,000 kilogrammes of industrial scrap (gear wheels and scooter panels) is a bid to draw attention to the plight of birds on the verge of extinction due to radiation from mobile towers. There is a honeycomb with a massive bee installed at another location to remind folks that bees are under threat as well. Thank heavens I haven’t spotted that yet. My aversion to bees is well documented. 

GMDA and M3M Foundation have been installing the birds and bees at strategic locations across the Millennium City. Why strategic you might ask? Well, Khushboo Chowk used to be Kachra Chowk, a foul-smelling dump site in the past till a group of well-meaning residents took action. They cleaned up the area, planted flowering shrubs and trees and renamed it Khushboo Chowk.

 

Garbage has always been a bit of a messy subject here in Gurgaon. As I write this, the Municipal Corporation is at loggerheads with its waste collection agency over unpaid dues leading to garbage pileups at several parts of the city. The residents are complaining, sanitation workers are on strike and the shit has literally hit the fan. The garbage mountain at Bandhwari landfill keeps growing taller and after an order from the National Green Tribunal to clear the mountain pronto, the Municipal Corporation is looking for alternative venues to divert the waste.

 

In the middle of a waste collection crisis, we have pretty birds and bees turning up at various spots where you'd least expect them. It’s a bit like my house cleaning. I shove junk randomly into closets and bring out the crystals and perfumed candles for show. 

But we need to get our house in order before we focus on beautification. And that's a reminder to myself as well. So instead of scrap art, we need to sort out the issue of garbage collection first. And if we must add value to our spaces, let’s consider utilitarian initiatives such as provision of drinking water for people on the go, seating for migrant workers and the elderly. Even a shelter for the urchins who sell balloons and toys on the Chowk.

 

Or Gurgaon’s beauty (if you can call it that) will continue to be skin-deep.

Dust to dust

Matilda "Tilly" Gooptu

The other day I found Baba’s album. It was inside a packet of old books my mother had brought with her when she moved to Gurgaon from Kolkata. 

Some of the pages inside the faded black cover crumbled to dust as I touched them – they were that old. There were pictures of his travels all over the world, neatly labelled with a few lines describing each photograph. Some pages were stuck together, many slots were empty, several pictures were lost in passage. But among the ones that had survived, were pictures of our dog, Tilly (short for Matilda) - an Australian wire terrier, with notes for my eldest sister behind each photograph. Pictures of Tilly having a bath, Tilly playing on the deck of the ship, MV Vishwa Pratap. 

 

Baba always been a stickler for perfection and his notes were just as I’d remembered him.

 

That is when the tears began to fall, without warning, surprising me. It was the first time in 42 years that I was shedding tears for my father. My Class 3 teacher might have felt vindicated had she been alive. She had tried to elicit the same response from me by placing me on a wooden stool in front of the classroom all those years ago and prodding me to talk about my feelings. My school friends tell me I sat stony-faced the whole time.

 

How is a little girl supposed to feel when a parent dies?

 

I discovered grief when I was eight years old. Only I didn’t know it was grief at that time.

 

I was hanging out of our balcony on the second floor to get a glimpse of my father as he locked up his green Premier Padmini and strode into our house. It was an everyday ritual for me. I’d hear the bell ring a little after six and drop whatever it was that I was doing and rush to the balcony to wave at him excitedly. Only it was different that day. I heard someone shriek from inside the house and saw his lifeless body being carried into the house by two men I hadn’t seen before. I learnt later that they were passing by when they’d seen him collapse in front of the house.

 

I was curious and bewildered at the same time, a hollow feeling inside my chest. A feeling that would return many times over the years when I encountered losses of any kind. A constriction in my chest, a feeling of not being able to breathe. Wanting to run away and hide from it all.

 

For my mother, it meant drowning herself in domestic routine. I remember her each evening after Baba died, sitting with piles of clothes, mostly our school uniforms, ironing with a vengeance. She didn’t shed a tear or complain and fret about the depleting finances -- she was ironing clothes with determination. Many years later, she told me that it was her way of dealing with her emotions. A catharsis of sorts. I understand it now. I feel the same when I do the dishes while the pandemic rages all around us.

Over the years, there have been many heartbreaks and losses and each time I coped with it differently. There were times I drowned myself in work, other times - in alcohol. There was times when music helped, other times I wrote bad poetry or even a book. But the hollow feeling in the chest was a constant. The wanting-to-fade-away-till-it-all-goes-away remained.

 

Is there any one way to grieve, I wonder? We have our own different ways of dealing with pain. I might not understand it but does it mean that it is not valid? Why are we so skeptical when people grieve in ways we don’t understand? I’m not sure what my class teacher was expecting me to do that day – bawl in public perhaps. Tears have always been an acceptable currency of grief. Perhaps if she’d just let me be, the tears would have come in due course? 

 

 

Grumpy Gram: Smiling is NOT injurious to health!

Photograph courtesy: www.bangla-kobita.com

There’s a woman I bump into when I go for a walk. She’s known me (by sight) for the longest time. We probably moved into the condo around the same time, twenty years back. Yet each time our eyes meet, she looks away, lips pursed. And it’s not her, there are others. They will fix you with a blank stare when you smile at them. As though there is a tax that’s been levied on smiling.

Now I can understand men not wanting to smile at other women. Especially when their wives or partners are within line of sight. But what’s with these women? There’s another one I know from back when my daughter was in nursery school. She behaves like Aamir Khan in Ghajini. The same glassy stare when he had memory loss. Only I'm pretty sure she has nothing of the kind.

 

Sukumar Ray couldn’t have possibly come to Gurgaon but I’m quite sure he was talking about these specimens when he wrote the poem Ram Gorurer Chana. The mythical cult of creatures for whom smiling is forbidden. Gurgaon is full of them. In fact, Gurgaon should be renamed Gorur-Gram from Gurugram. I think I’m going to write to the administration today.

Who are folks so unfriendly? Is this a Gurgaon thing or are people in other cities just as hostile? The Calcutta I knew growing up was never like this.

 

There are so many benefits to smiling. According to studies, it relieves stress, elevates your mood and helps you live longer - among other things. Given how fitness is a fad here, it would probably help people if they smiled more. Maybe I should offer face yoga sessions to help people smile. What say? Do you know anyone who might need it?