Six Degrees of Social Media!

My cook sent me a friend request on Facebook the other day.

It was her all right. There was no mistaking that round, smiling face, red bindi plastered on the forehead and brightly coloured saree. The notification said: Shakti D wants to be friends with you.

Below the friend request was a lineup of people Facebook thought I should befriend. The list included my plumber, Acquaguard service technician and the cab agency owner I hire taxis from regularly. As I stared at the screen in disbelief, I realized that six degrees of separation was not an abstract idea anymore. It had become a rather grim reality in my case.

Now it’s one thing being connected to Kevin Bacon through someone or the other you may know in life. Footloose is one of my favourite movies. I’ve practically grown up watching it and drooling over Bacon and his slick dance moves. But the rest, I have a problem with!

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not me being snobbish or classist. I’m an intensely private person and the only thing I share with the world at large is my writing and funny takes on life. It’s bad enough that my family and an assortment of relatives have invaded my online space and I have to befriend them on various social media platforms and dutifully like their Whatsapp messages (read spam) on a daily basis so that they don’t get offended. Relationship quotes, inspirational sayings, funny videos and memes. Bring it on. My phone is struggling to function with the burden.

But when I get a message and a picture of an ugly-as-hell bouquet of flowers from an unfamiliar number that says: “Didi, how you like my latest flower arrangement? You can buy from my shop” I have a problem. I mean, I’ve just ordered flowers from the guy once and he is already on my Whatsapp list of contacts behaving as though he were an old friend!

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Block. Block. Block.

As for my cook, I’m still wondering what to do with that invitation. I really don’t want to offend her. My life depends on her turning up to work at the right time and putting hot food on the table for the family. If I jeopardise that relationship, my life will be turned upside down. Literally.

I could live without my relatives but not my cook.

Kevin Bacon can wait. I will make do with Shakti D for the time being.

A dire situation?

Soon after Game of Thrones was aired for the first time in India, our condominium saw an influx of Siberian huskies. “Ma look – a dire wolf,” the girl screamed in excitement when she spotted one at the park for the first time. She was GOT-crazy, I wasn’t. I had no clue what she was talking about. All I saw was an unusual looking dog with intense blue eyes. When I went back home, I looked up dire wolves on the internet and learnt that Northern Inuit dogs played dire wolves in the TV series. Northern Inuit dogs are a crossbreed of huskies and German shepherds. 

 

In true Gurugram fashion, there had been a frenzied dash for dire wolves. In their absence, folks had scrambled to get the next best thing - huskies. The result - here a husky, there a husky, everywhere a husky husky in Drona’s village. I remember seeing an abundance of Dalmatians when I first moved to Gurgaon in 1998 (101 Dalmatians - the movie starring Glenn Close had released two years ago). 

See what I mean?

 

I couldn’t help but wonder whether the hot and dusty climate would be good for these dogs. How would huskies (meant to be raised in colder climates) adjust in poky flats and sultry weather? We can all wish for things. Doesn’t mean we have to have our wishes fulfilled, does it? I’d like to own a dragon. But that isn’t happening anytime soon.

 

Over the years, the numbers have multiplied. Young, old, in various states of disrepair. Most often the owners can't be bothered to walk the dogs themselves or give them a spot of exercise. The car wash boys drag them around by their leashes in the evenings, summer cut of fur and lethargic. I can only pray the owners keep them in air-conditioned rooms during the day. While I’m not a dog expert, I’ve grown up in a house with five dogs. I can tell when a dog is sad. The strays have more swag than these dogs.

 

I’m told a husky puppy sells for anything between Rs 40,000 and Rs 60,000. I saw one advertised on a dog website having blue eyes, strong bones and a smart personality. Asking price, Rs 56,000. A puppy with a smart personality? What on earth does it even mean?

 

My Bengali neighbour has named his Siberian husky Randy. After Randle McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, he offers helpfully in the lift (in case I didn't know). Also the way he says it, it sounds like Kaku.

 

Trying hard not to giggle but feeling terribly sorry for Randy the puppy. I hope he has a good life in Kaku’s Nest.

About Names Not So Good, After All!

I've been told that from West Bengal have a chip on their shoulders. Well, why wouldn’t they? 

Imagine labouring through life, tough enough as it were, with a name gifted indulgently to you by a fond uncle or a loving grandma when you were little. Too little to protest.

Cut to the present. Imagine the horrors of having that name discovered, being ridiculed by the world at large. From anonymity to the centre of attention, except none of it is good. The name that you spent your whole lifetime trying to hide. How does it feel Potla? Or should I call you Habool or Pocha? Or are you a hulk of a man who goes by the name of Chhotu or a pleasantly plump, middle aged woman called Teensy?

Tsk tsk!

My pet name or, as Bengalis would have it, daak naam was recently revealed to the world thanks to a tip off by a friendly relative on a social media site. I don’t think she meant any harm but I have been struggling with the jibes ever since, silently seething. Why did my supposedly loving parents allow this to happen to their daughter? I haven't a clue. And no, it doesn’t help that it is a one-of-a-kind name and that you cannot claim mistaken identity.

Still, I guess it could have been worse. I could have been named after a cat. Or a dog. Pet lovers would go into raptures but there are some who might baulk at the idea. Like my dear departed grandma for instance.

During a visit to her sister-in-law’s place once, my grandmother discovered, much to her horror, that one of the many cats in the household had been named after her. Throughout her visit, she heard her sister-in-law (the matriarch of the family) screeching out at regular intervals: “Penky, stop jumping on the table!” “Penky get off the bed!” “Penky don’t you dare touch the milk!” 

You can imagine my grandmother’s state the whole time. She had been sitting in one corner of the room, drinking a cup of tea, rather quietly as this particular relative was not a favourite. I realise now that the feeling was probably mutual!

Each time, her name was yelled out, my grandma would jump out of her skin. She didn’t know why she was being admonished for the things she was NOT doing till her sister-in-law slyly introduced her to her namesake. A scruffy looking cat. Grandmother was humiliated to say the least! Secretly though, I thought it was hilarious and the perfect revenge!

Another time, my father was invited to a colleague’s son’s rice ceremony. On reaching the venue, he found the house teeming with guests, most of whom he obviously didn’t know. So he chose to park himself in a spot away from the crowds, next to the golden-brown dog tied to a charpoy with a chain. After a while, he heard the host, his colleague, shouting out loudly for a “Goldie? Goldie, where are you? Come here at once. Goldie?????”

My father helpfully offered: “Goldie is here, next to me, tied to the bed.”

The host came over to where my father was sitting, eyeing him rather coldly. “That’s not Goldie, that’s Jimmy. Goldie is my son, he’s crawled off somewhere and we can’t see him!”

Do you blame my father? I would have made the same mistake.

How was anyone to know that Goldie was not the dog?

Incidentally, Goldie is now a middle-aged, pot-bellied man, working as a manager in a bank. Good thing, he’s not on social media though.

Sigh.

Disclaimer: Any similarity to unfortunate pet names of persons living or dead is purely coincidental!